The power of compulsive thinking
What it's like to live with OCD
Gentle heads up: I talk about my experience with OCD and how it manifests in my life. Proceed with caution and care if you need to 💗
I was “officially” diagnosed with OCD late last year but suspect I've dealt with it most of my life.
One of the reasons I reached out for help is because I heard people in my life, and some public figures I follow, talk about their experience with OCD. It gave me the courage to stop downplaying my symptoms and seek treatment.
I wanted to share a little bit about my journey in case it helps someone else ask for help, or perhaps helps someone better understand it in case someone they love has OCD. I'm (very obviously 😂) not a mental health professional and am only speaking from my experience!
What is OCD?
Despite what you may think, it's not being “a clean freak” or being super organized. Many forms of OCD actually have nothing to do with contamination or cleanliness.
Its main components are:
Obsessions or fears/anxieties - many of mine have to do with contamination, death, and natural disasters; these are scenarios I am constantly thinking about and trying to control or prevent.
Compulsions - the things I do or avoid doing to try to prevent my worst fears/anxieties from coming true; like, unplugging everything before I leave the house so my apartment won't burn down or washing my hands every time I enter the house to avoid contaminating myself or others.
The thing that sucks the most about OCD is not that I unplug my toaster before I leave the house. It's that I have to unplug my toaster before I leave the house. It's that if I don't unplug my toaster before I leave the house, or if I can't remember if I did, it will consume me until I can get back home to check. It’s because I panic. It’s because I assume my apartment will be nothing but ash when I get back, and it'll be all my fault because I didn't unplug the toaster before leaving the house.
Now, logically, my house can still catch on fire even if I do unplug my toaster. But my OCD convinces me (pretty well) that I have the ability to prevent my worst fears from happening if I go through with my compulsions.
One of the ways OCD is treated is through exposure therapy, which is what I'm doing.
Exposures can be big or small acts, and my therapist typically checks in with me to see how anxiety-inducing one will be on a scale of 1 to 10. One of my earlier exposures was to leave a light on in my bedroom and then leave the house for a few hours. When I first started therapy it was about a 5 on the anxiety scale. It's gone down to about a 3 now.
What seems like just a poor environmental decision that could potentially raise my electricity bill by a few cents can feel like life or death in my nervous system. That’s the power of OCD, baby!
Working with aggressive roots
One of the odd jobs I had when I first moved back to Charlotte last year was helping facilitate pop up classes in the area. One of those classes was backyard gardening for beginners. That's when I learned what an absolute menace mint can be!
Mint roots grow so aggressively, it can completely overrun your garden if you're not careful. If not contained (either in a pot or raised plant bed), it can harm other herbs and plants. And it is an absolute bitch, almost impossible, to fully remove once it's been planted and starts spreading.
That's what OCD feels like to me. If not contained, I can let my obsessions/anxieties/compulsions overwhelm my entire system, taking up hours upon hours of time and energy.
It has the ability to harm my peace, my joy.
And it's forever. While its severity may ebb and flow throughout my life, my OCD is something I will always have to manage to some extent.
That's why working with a specialist has been so incredibly helpful. Before her, I didn't think my OCD was containable or manageable.
The power of compulsive thinking
One compulsion I'm very tight with is rumination, or excessively thinking about the same thing over and over, in this case something really terrible (like my house burning down).
Side note: This is the main reason I can't subscribe to or engage with the law of attraction, or anything similar — for my own sanity.
The act of rumination is VERY mint-like. And extremely overwhelming.
And it can’t be fixed with magical thinking or an “abundance mindset.”
When asking how I can possibly “contain” the rumination, my therapist described it like this:
You're standing at a train station. Each train that passes is a thought, some of those thoughts are compulsive.
Sometimes, you're going to get on the compulsive train and it's going to take you for a freakin ride. But you always have the power to get off at the next stop. Sometimes you may even let it pass without getting on.
Something tangible that has helped me is naming objects I can see. If I feel myself getting sucked into a compulsive tide, I look around and start naming objects that are around me. It helps me let the train pass, even if for a little bit. It doesn't always work, but when it does, it's really helpful.
At war with my brain
I often say in therapy that I feel like I'm at war with my brain. OCD can be exhausting. It can sometimes feel shameful. When I'm crying over something as simple as a light being left on while my cat is home by herself, it makes me feel (literally) crazy.
And then I remind myself of all the risks I have taken despite my OCD. That even with all of this fear I manage to do what I'm doing, or anything at all.
It definitely helps me to talk with people who are also living with OCD; it makes me feel a little more understood, a little less “crazy” or dramatic.
If you're living with OCD, or think you may be, I’d love to hear from you! Even if just for some resonance/solidarity.
Thanks for reading!
Lots of love,
Andrea